Cartoons Vs. Parents, Round 1, FIGHT!

Just about everyone grows up. Perhaps not in the sense that you grow up AND mature; but everyone does go through a series developmental stages (unless of course there are made dead before). If you ask most people, who raised you? They will, almost, invariably say my parents. If you ask a bunch of really smart people, that thrive on quoting popular quips, they might mention, the o' so cliche, it takes a village to raise a child. EENNHH!!! Wrong. Both answers are unacceptable and completely foolish. Children are raised on the media they consume; and no, I do not believe that if a kid grows up playing Mortal Kombat that he will go out and kill someone. People get their values from said parental units or proverbial village. That which they consume only dictates their awesomeness and personality.

My parents think they raised me. Can ya blame em? They just fall victim to that disillusioned view which most other parents believe. Little do they know that I was raised by a quintuplet of animals: 4 turtles and a rat. This 'awesome foursome,' as they called themselves, we more commonly known as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TMNT). They are one of the best things to be raised by, not to mention the coolest reptiles you know. You want to talk about an all around good group of dudes to learn from? TMNT epitomize the best aspects of life.

Lets first talk about personalities. We are going to work in order of radness, starting at the top of the spectrum. Donatello, bearer of the purple bands and the strongest Bo you have ever felt against your cranium (assuming of course that you are part of the foot clan). Don, as he is know, is the smart one. He emphasizes learning, science, math and problem solving. Next up ya got, Michelangelo, wearer of the Orange Bands and can do more with nunchakus than Ron Jeremy can do with his penis. Mike is the, self proclaimed, party dude, which, might I add, is a VERY vital part of life. Leonardo, harnesser of the blue bands and Katana blades so sharp they cut through bricks (don't believe me? Watch the intro). Leo promotes a balanced life style: one of honor and doing the right thing. Finally there is Raphael, donner of the Red band and a pair of sais that are completely useless in most situations, unless trying to jam a door. Raph loves to be a dick, and sometimes in life ya gotta be dick. He also is a tough guy (or turtle if you like) he may not have much of a weapon but he still kicks ass.

You may be wondering now...Well what about their eating habits??? Aren't most turtle's herbivores, with only a hand full being carnivorous or omnivores? Well I'm glad you asked...They have perfect eating habits. They feast primarily on pizza. That's right god's most well rounded meal. You got your fruits/veggies in the tomato sauce (go ahead argue it isn't a fruit) and in the toppings, which include but are not limited too: Peppers, Mushrooms and diced tomatoes. You got your grains in the crust...Yeah they don't eat any of that girlie thin crust stuff so they are getting their daily allotment of carbs. Finally, protein...They never just get cheese. They are all about getting pizza with tons of shit, especially meat based: Pepperoni, Sausage and anchovies.

Finally, not only do they know how to make you a good, well rounded, person and teach you how to eat properly BUT, most importantly, they teach you how to be a NINJA. If you want to be ridiculously sweet you will become a ninja. Its a proven fact...Don't believe me? Look it up! Ninjas are prolly the sweet thing there is. They scale concrete building sides like its nothing, they can run across a wall (contrary to the laws of gravity), no one ever sees them cause they are crazy stealth, and finally they know 230237404098 ways to kill you. Ninjas are THE coolest. However, if you ever happen upon one in public (or private for that matter) don't bother running most can telepathically teleport themselves.

So now, next time some one asks you how you were raised you better have a better response than parents or else a ninja will end you.