Just Change My Damn Oil

Like death, taxes and Paris Hilton sleeping with someone new tonight, it is inevitable. Every three months it happens. I get that little card in the mail that says:

Dear Jimmy,

Our records indicate that your 1995 Chevy Camero 2005 Ferrari F50 is due for an oil change. Your local service provider is located at 123 Somewhere Lane.

We appreciate your business,

EZ/Jiffy/(Pick any word that means fast) Lube


Oil change companies, such as Jiffy Lube or EZ Lube, are basically the DMV of the auto repair industry. You never end up getting out of there in a timely manner and you end up having to do more shit than is told to you up front. It doesn’t matter how recently you had a tune-up the people who change your oil WILL find something wrong.

Hey guy with the greasy Dickies and filthy fingernails, just change my god damn oil. My car worked just fine when I drove it up the ramp over there. Why is it that everything is broken now that you’ve touched it?

Look, I know my air filter has a little dirt on it, that’s what it does, it filters air. So no, I don’t want a new one. The one I have works perfectly fine. Ohh so you think my rear differential fluid is almost low? Perfect, well then I will almost pay you if you decide to put any more in. You’ll give $45 off a tire rotation? Unless you mean you are going to pay me to rotate my tires I think I’ll pass. You see, I couldn’t drive my car if my tires didn’t rotate and I can tell you that they rotate just fine, as I was able to pull into this black hole for my money. So let me assure you, my tires rotate.

No, I’m not trying to be an asshole. All I’m sayin is I just want my oil changed, that’s it. When I pulled into this place what did you ask me? Let me refresh your memory…you said, “here for an oil change?” I responded happily with, “yes, please.” You took down my information and told me my car would be done in 20 minutes and the quote at the bottom of the page said $25…A perfect synergy between agent and client. Now let’s look at your proposition...45 minute wait and my bill suddenly adopted an extra 0 at the end of it. I can’t be sitting around here all day waiting for all this stuff. So please, just change my oil.

Ok, I get it; you work on more cars than me. Yes, I understand you looked under the hood. No, I don’t want people telling me how to do my job, either. Can I ask you something? When you walk into Supercuts what do you do? Right, just like me...walk in ask for a hair cut and then expect to leave after having paid the, predetermined, bill. Do they barrage you with questions like, “would you like a $50 hair coloring, I saw one grey hair while I was back there?” or “perhaps you prefer a deep conditioning treatment you look like you ALMOST have split ends?” No. They don’t. Why? Because they understand their, specialized, job. If you want all that crap done, to your hair, you go to a professional hair salon, just like if I want all this stuff done to my car I go to a full service car mechanic.

Look, I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings…but please, I’m begging you, just change my fucking oil. You will? Really? Wonderful, I’ll just wait here. Here’s your 25 bucks. Thanks, I appreciate it. Ok, take care! *sniff sniff* What’s that? Smells like something’s over heating…meh…looks like it’s time for a new air filter, that’s ok I’ve got time to kill.