January is the Crappiest Month Ever

Ahh...the new year...a time for rebirth, a new beginning, a chance to set all that went wrong, in the previous year, right, we all try to set our, recently detoured, lives back on the road. This revival of spirit to do what know we should have been doing is reinforced by every other person around us. We all simply make a laundry list of New Years Resolutions. Fortunately, for me, I’ve made it all way the way to February. Let me tell you, the hardest month of the year, for me, is definitely January.

January always sucks for me because everyone is so gung-ho on their ‘New Years Resolutions’ that they end up making my life suck. Fuck that! February rocks because I notice a HUGE decrease in people actively working toward their goals. Ok let me first say that, overall, I really don’t want to see people fail in their goals, unless of course they happen to be a really hot chick and their goal is to have less sex with me this year, then yes, I encourage their failure. However, when other peoples goals get in the way of my attempt to maintain a sane existence in this world of, seemly never ending, annoyances, that’s just not cool, because, ya know, the world revolves around me.

I thought I would take some time out to explain just how much better my life has become since Wednesday, February 01, 2006.

The Goal: Exercise More/Get in Shape

I am all for people who want to get in shape. I believe that we all could stand to trim a few pounds around the waist line. Whether or not it is for a goal or not, I frequent the gym year round. However, starting January 3rd, this year my local gym turned into fucking Disneyland. During January, I would have sweet dreams of the times I could walk up to the front desk, show them my pass, and walk right in. Does this happen in real life, during January? Hell no. You have to wait in a long line just to show to your membership card. Then, God help you, hope they are, “not to full,” and have to wait for someone to leave. When did the gym become a bar? The only thing it was missing was the 300 pound meat head bouncer whose only identifiable quality is the ability to keep people less famous than him out of the gym. Instead all those useless meat heads are inside the gym grunting away as they squeeze out, “just one more rep,” and admire themselves in the mirror. Once you finally get in, good fucking luck getting on any kind of gym equipment. During this time, the lines in the gym are longer than the lines for Space Mountain on a sunny Saturday afternoon.

So, needless to say, I am elated when all these 11 month-out-of-the-year-slackers finally drop their last bead of sweat on January 31st. So to reiterate, it’s not that I don’t want people to work out and get in shape, it’s just, don’t all do it at my gym. Thank you.

*Side note – I didn’t really want to mention this when I first wrote this blog, but I found it so funny at the time, I just couldn’t resist. So I learned the easiest way to NOT achieve your goal of loosing weight, and I thought I would share that with you, because I’m such a nice guy! If you are big fan of cakes, pies, pastries and other delicious dessert type foods, try to keep those influences away from you while at the gym. Let me just give a completely fabricated, 100% untrue, I swear I didn’t see this with my own eyes example…if you happen to be an overweight female working away those thighs on a bike at the gym, do not, I repeat, DO NOT bring Betty Crocker’s dessert issue with you as reading material. Never in my life have I seen…I mean not seen…such an inexplicable act of self torture. I mean come on, when I want to start masturbating less (yeah fucking right) you aren’t going to find me naked in bed with a Big-Uns Magazine in one hand.

**Side note to the side note: Wow…that was a really long side note.


The Goal: Start Drinking Less Coffee/Soda/Caffeine

Ok I’ll admit I am not the biggest fan of coffee or soda. Granted I thoroughly enjoy both, however I just don’t drink them that often. I might drink either one, once a month. (Unless the soda is mixed with alcohol, then it doesn’t count…because I said so…which makes it truth…because I said so) So you might be thinking, “Well then Jimmy, what the hell do you have to complain about if no one is drinking the stuff that you don’t drink anyway?” Well if you would have just calmed down I was about to tell you…now I don’t know that I feel like telling you anymore because you were so impatient…ohh you don’t care anymore? Liar. You care so much. Wait, Don’t leave. Damnit come back...Ok. Ok. Ok. I’ll tell you. Freaking jerk! Anyway, if you have been a regular reader of my blog, you’d know that I know everything, well as of January 3, I learned that I only know, just about everything. The one bad thing about being really really smart is that you stop learning; however, I’ve recently learned that people are incredibly irritable when they stop drinking caffeine.

Nothing is worse than trying to talk to a coffee drinker who didn’t get 9 hours of sleep and hasn’t had their cup of java for the day. They mumble, they don’t process information very quickly and they skulk around like they had just found out their cat was set on fire and is now dead. It’s impossible to get anything accomplished. They say, “I don’t need coffee, I’ll be fine, so long as I make it to lunch, I’ll be good after that.” Ohh…excellent…so you are going to hold me hostage from being productive, until lunch time?!? Perfect. Then what happens? They go out to lunch, and eat way too much and are in a food coma until 4:30. 4:30 rolls around and they realize the work day is almost over, so they mentally check out. “Ohh that thing you needed, yeah I’ll take care of it tomorrow morning.” Ohh ok, thanks…*punch in the face*

In short, I’m glad people are back to the gluttonous helpings of caffeine. It allows me to be more productive and keeps my sanity level steadily at one notch below psychotic.


The Goal: Spend Less Time Doing _____ and More Time Reading

Ahh reading…what a novel concept. (Get it, yup it’s still funny to me to point out my own clever humor) I think it’s great when people spend more time reading, especially if the ______ in the goal is TV. Reading will expand your vocabulary, educate you on proper grammar and maybe, JUST MAYBE, teach ya a thing or two about the world. However, it too has become a nuisance to my life. Now, this time I know what you are thinking, “ohh he’s gonna rant and rave about how all his friends read now and don’t spend as much time hanging out with him. Also, I bet Jimmy has a huge wiener.” Let me affirm for you that I do indeed have a huge wiener but that is neither here nor there. The fact of the matter is that ‘other people reading’ has not become a burden to me because it means they spend less time with me (I mean hey, that’s their loss).

What bothers me is that I have to hear about everything they read. In the middle of a discussion someone will chime in with something that has NOTHING to do with the conversation but they wanted to let you know they are reading, “No that can’t be true. I’m reading this book right now that says…” God Damnit, you are reading a fucking fiction novel, what the hell are talking about real proof that there are UFO’s; we are talking about Hamas getting elected by the Palestinian parliament. Jackass.

Then there is the worst of them all, the person who wants you to know that they are, currently reading a book, and will remind you constantly. OK I get it…you know how to read congratulations. When did reading a book become praiseworthy and why do people think they deserve something because they are reading a book? I’ve read plenty of books and I’m not an A-List Celebrity. Yet.

Lastly, people new to the world of reading, will recommend anything they read to you. It doesn’t matter if the book is meant for men, women, adults or kids. They just read a book and want the rest of the world to know how good this book is, despite, the fact that they have absolutely NOTHING to compare it to. Then remind you a few days down the line that they will still lend you the book because, “You just have to read it.” No thanks, I think I will skip He’s Just Not that into You.

Thank god, people who say they ‘want to read more’ read one book then realize that watching TV is much simpler, and go back to their lazy ways.

I’m incredibly happy that February has come. I can now go back to living the life that I have grown to love, 11 months out of the year.