It's a Wonder I'm Not a Gabillionaire

As you probably already know I am a business genius. Sure, I used to be a scientist but I realized, early on, that it wasn’t fair all the cool stuff I would invent, so I decided, being the great guy I am, that I would let other people have the glory. Luckily enough, I became so successful at being a business genius that I was made head of the police department. Don’t worry about which police department, because I am now head of all of them. Also, don’t bother worrying about if that makes any sense or not. So now that I am officially a business genius police officer, I will have a look at some famous and not so famous companies and fining them for stupidity. Those of you who are lucky enough to live near me will know some of the not so famous places. Let us embark on this journey through the world of business decisions made by imbeciles.



Business Name: Parfums de Coeur

Product: Bod – Male Body Spray

What Does It Do? Bod is yet another body spray, for men, that is supposed to make them smell like they are good at sex. The whole idea is that they copy exactly what Axe created and try to sell it as something of their own.

The Offense: Marketing. Let us examine how Parfums de Coeur markets their Bod line of male body sprays. Every commercial features a group of, at least, ten, ripped, guys with their shirts off playing some sort of sport. The commercial is focused on showing their chest and how in shape they are. For a total of two seconds (in sum, not sequentially) they show a chick or two, always fully clothed. Then end the commercial with a guy flipping his hair back as he flexes his entire upper body.

What’s Wrong With This Picture? For those of us not cursed with TiVo or Moxi (or whatever other offshoot of TiVo is out there) you have been subjected to Bod’s awful commercials. For those of us who read male magazines with any sort of regularity, and by regularity I mean ever in the past two years, you have been subjected to Bod’s awful advertisements. As far as advertising to men goes, there is a very simple formal (and believe me, I know a thing or two about formulas) that 99% of businesses have caught onto: Good Looking Girls + Less Clothing + Few Guys as Possible = High Revenues. That is the most basic outline for how to market to a guy. Sure there exist a few products that require a different approach such as: lots of guys beating each other up (sporting goods) or doing something extreme/rugged (selling trucks).

I’m curious to know who decided that: one girl + fully clothed + lots of guys – clothing = Good Idea. Contrary to popular belief, guys are not retarded (well…most of the time). No guy is going to watch that commercial and think to him self “wow, if I put that stuff on I’m going to magically turn from this human form of Staypuft the Marshmallow man into this super ripped dude.” What marketing guy at Parfums overlooked the Axe/Tag benchmark of – show a guy, who looks relatively normal, putting on their product then have flocks of chicks surround him?

The Fine: Immediate removal of the head of marketing and $364.77 to me, for wasted time being subjected to the garbage they call marketing. I figure that’s a fair fine as they have already paid enough money on their commercials which earned them zero sales.



Business Name: OB’s

Product: Bar/Restaurant

What Do They Do? OB’s is a business located in beautiful Manhattan Beach, CA which advertises itself to offer great food, well mixed drinks and cold beers all with friendly service. For those of you who are not from around here, OB’s is a definitive local’s hangout. The only people who have ever heard of it are people who live in or extremely close to Manhattan Beach.

The Offense: False advertising. A better look at the way the business is run will yield results showing rude waitresses and an incompetent manager/owner. Upon my last two visits to said restaurant, my friends and I, who, used to, give them plenty of business, were treated like a second rate customer and person in general.

What’s Wrong With This Picture? It has always been my understanding that when the majority of your income is directly proportional to your kindness due to the fact that you work in the service industry, that you would, in theory, always be kind, especially to customers. I used to bartend and I am currently a mortgage broker; two jobs which have a prerequisite that you are at least somewhat pleasant. Perhaps I missed out on the part of training that suggested you openly disrespect someone who has come in and is willing to tip you. It has also been my understanding that, as the owner of a restaurant, you would want to hire people who were relatively nice, but I’ve been wrong before*.

The Fine: Immediate change of ownership of the property over to Vin Diesel. I hear when he drinks his own pee his asparagus smells funny.



Business Name: Zeppy’s Pizza

Product: Pizza Parlor

What Do They Do? Zeppy’s is long time loved by Hermosa Beach visitors for their Sicilian style pizza at very cheap prices. They are most notably (and wisely) known for their location and store hours. Zeppy’s is dead in the center of the Hermosa pier, which, for those of you out of towners, is known for its long row of late night bars. Zeppy’s motto is to stay open late to grab all the inebriated hungry bar hoppers, aka serve drunk food.

The Offense: Messing with my stomach. On multiple occasions I have stumbled into Zeppy’s to grab myself a slice of warm, delicious, steaming, Sicilian pizza between the hours of 1:30-2:00AM. During such occasions it is not all that rare that they have announced “Sorry we are out of pizza!”

What Is Wrong With This Picture? Wait a minute, let me get this straight…you are pizza parlor that makes 75% of your money between the hours of midnight and 2:30 and you are out of fucking pizza? Well, maybe the bread guy didn’t show up that day and they were out of dough. Then they should have walked their asses down to the liquor store (which is also on the pier) bought a loaf of bread, slapped some tomato sauce on it, covered it with cheese, taken my two dollars and fifty cents and I would have been none the wiser. It might…MIGHT…be ok if this only happened once, but it has happened countless times. I hope they can sleep at night with that on their conscience…asking me to go home still starving. I bet waking nightmares keep them up all night.

The Fine: One pan of Hawaiian pizza, three slices of pepperoni, a small coke…make that diet coke, I’m not trying to get all fat here and eight quarters, so I can play their Tetris and Ms. Pacman machines.



Business Name: Aladdin Gaming L.L.C.

Product: The Aladdin

What Does it Do? The Aladdin is a casino/hotel that lies in heart of the Las Vegas Strip. Although hotels are profitable, the casino is what makes the majority of their money, much like EVERY casino/hotel in Las Vegas.

The Offense: Sucking at being a casino in Vegas. The layout of the Aladdin, although very aesthetically pleasing, is atrocious. The Aladdin’s casino is virtually non existent. If you have never been there before, good luck actually finding the casino. Should you be unfortunate enough to be staying there, I recommend bringing your mattress with you, as the beds are far from soft. Finally, should you stumble into the Aladdin because you are walking past it and nature happens to call at that moment, I wish you the best of luck finding a bathroom.

What Is Wrong With This Picture? Casinos have one purpose in Vegas…just one…make money. A long time ago some dude figured out how to make money in the middle of, an otherwise, very unpleasant plot of land. He decided it would be best to have people piss away their money gambling. So how do you do that in today’s world? Make it so that the people who are willing to piss away their money can find a good place to do that. I recommend placing gambling areas right by ALL doors. Make it harder to find your way out of a gambling spot than into one. I understand that people like to shop (which is all you can do for the first 5-10 min. in The Aladdin) but shopping costs you money, gambling does not. You buy the machines and people continuously give you money. It really is simple.

What’s the other thing you should probably do as a casino owner? Keep people in your gambling area by catering to their comfort needs. I guess the owner has different sleeping habits than I, but personally, sleeping on a concrete slate, like the Flintstones, is not relaxing. In retrospect, I suppose, in the case of The Aladdin, making the bathrooms scarcer than National Championships by the San Francisco Giants in the past 50 years would be a good thing. By the time someone has finally found one they are too emotionally defeated to leave and thus venture further into the black hole in search of a casino.

The Fine: Although it may seem harsh, Jack Sommer, (owner of Aladdin Gaming L.L.C.) should be put to death. Any human being who can manage to have a major Las Vegas casino operate in the red does not need to pollute the gene pool.


*Note: I’ve never been wrong before.