Warning: Do Us a Favor,Do Not Heed Warning

Life…it’s such a precious thing, ‘tis it not? Life and the magic of procreation, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian dude who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you…I think I can safely assume you agree with me.



For those of you who are not from the South Bay area, you may need a little educating before I proceed with this blog. Probably the busiest street in Southern California is called Pacific Coast Highway (PCH). At some points it can reach as large as 9 lanes across. That being said, one of the busiest times, as I’m sure you can guess, is in the morning during rush hour, which lasts from about 4:30AM till 9:00PM…give or take 5 minutes.



This morning I was impatiently stopped dead in traffic when I noticed a very attractive female taking, what looked like, her morning jog. She happened to be jogging down a hill that is perpendicular to PCH. Once she reached the bottom of the hill, I figured she would do what most, normal, of sound mind, humans beings would do, stop. Once she reached PCH, to my amazement, she didn’t even hesitate. She just darted out into the middle of the street without even faking a look in either direction. Fortunately for her, there was no traffic at the time. Unfortunately for the rest of mankind there was no traffic at that time, as, unless she already has, it is very probable that she will, one day, reproduce.



Now don’t get me wrong I’m not a terribly malevolent person, I wish no one ill will, let alone death. Except for that one time last year that little girl stole my cookie and I tried to run her over with my car, but that is neither here nor there. However, there are some people that I believe need’nt plague the gene pool with a donation.



I am a firm believer that companies should remove all warning labels from the products we buy. If you don’t know what it does or where to put it, don’t buy it. If you choose to ingest some of that hemorrhoid cream, perhaps life in a convent wouldn’t be such a bad idea. If you choose to blow dry your hair in the shower, I’ve one word of advice and it rhymes with: schmasectomy.



Most of these people have a ludicrously oblivious outlook on life. Everything is so happy in their world. For example, you might find a message they leave for the their voicemail box that goes something like this “Hi, thanks for calling! Sorry I missed your call but it is a positively gorgeous day and I’m out enjoying it right now! Hopefully you will have the same opportunity. Thought for the day is ‘Share The Love!’. BBBBEEEEPPPP.” When I hear things like that it makes me curse my phone for not being able to switch to ‘restricted’ for the caller ID. “Uhh…hi there. This is Tom from the VD clinic. Speaking of positive, your tests results are back. Stop sharing the love. CLICK.”