St. Patricks Day Special
Welcome everyone to Jimmy’s Super Special St. Patrick’s Day Blog. As you should know, today is St. Patrick’s Day; and like any great, ethnic/religious, holiday is ONLY observed by the most devout followers. Its celebration of Saint Patrick has the most holy of rituals which include (but are not limited to): pinching people who are, foolishly, not wearing green, dressing up like a leprechaun and consuming massive amounts of Irish beer and Irish whiskey, which is conveniently tinted green. Basically, it is another holiday ruined by the American mentality of, “let’s find a reason to get fucked up and drink till we can’t see straight.” Ohh and by ruined, I meant to say enhanced.
Here’s a brief history lesson on the subject. Back in the 5th century some bro named Patrick was born in Britain and was kidnapped by a bunch of drunken Irish (yes, redundant, I know). When he escaped he claimed that god spoke to him and started a dual-mission of ministering Irish-Catholics as well as convert heathens into good natured Catholics. He eventually died and people celebrated his life by going to Church. Lame.
Fast forward about 1,500 years when the potato famine hit and the Catholic-Irish poured in to the US. Blah blah blah…they had funny accents…blah blah blah…were portrayed in cartoons as drunken monkeys…blah blah blah…used St. Patrick’s Day parade to rally all the Irish Americans to gain political prowess…blah blah blah…in the end, St. Patty’s Day, ended up being about: being green, getting drunk and speaking with a funny accent.
Basically, now that America has had its say…St. Patrick’s Day rocks! It’s way better now than it was. Just think, thanks to the powers of the American spirit to drink, a once religious holiday has now turned into a time when I can go to my local watering hole and order ten Irish Car Bombs and be laughed at because I am not drinking enough. If you leave a pub on St. Patrick’s Day able to remember your own name, you have disgraced the holy name of good ole what’s his name.
In light of this most holy of holy day’s I have, so kindly, prepared a list of St. Patty’s day tips for those who are unfamiliar with the proper way to celebrate. This list is mostly for those who are over the age of 21 (or with a fake ID) as it will include lost of references to alcohol and bars:
Jimmy's Dos and Do Nots of Celebrating St. Patrick’s Day
DO NOT forget your green
“I don’t have a green shirt!” No excuse, go out and buy some green cloth and bobby pin it to your head if you have to. Do no be caught amongst avid St. Patrick’s Day celebrators without wearing green. Sure in school you would get pinched for not wearing green. Normally by the girl or boy who had a crush on you. Or perhaps among your friends you might find yourself getting wedgied or punched for not wearing green. However, when you are out with Irish bar patrons, bad things happen to those who do not sport the ninja turtle green. If you are lucky you will simply not be served by the bartender. Although worse, a still rather fortunate fate would be to just be kicked out of the pub. A more likely outcome? You get beaten up by a gang of drunken and rowdy Irishmen. Irish people take their green VERY seriously. Remember back in 1919 when the Anglo-Irish War broke out…yeah? It’s one of the best cover-ups by the English government. People think it started when Irish guerillas (not the apes) mounted against English suppression. It ACTUALLY started when Michael Collinsworth foolishly didn’t wear green while he was in a pub in Ireland, on St. Patrick’s Day. When questioned by Marty O’Laughlin he simply said, “Silly peasant, green is a color of the meek!” The war on Britain was declared that night.
DO remember this is an IRISH holiday so order IRISH booze
One of the quickest ways to be ostracized from a drinking social group on this day is to not follow the #1 rule…you are here to drink like the Irish. I don’t care if you prefer your own ethnically acceptable booze or not. If you are Mexican, put down the Corona and Tequila and pick up a Harp and Powers. If you are Black let go of the 40 of Old English and bottle of Cristal and order a cup Murphy’s with a Bushmill’s back. If you are Asian forget the shot of Saki and Sapporo and drop a shot of Jameson into a Guinness. If you are White take the Budweiser out of the beer bong and leave the Jack Daniels at home and venture out and drink an Erin’s Rock and take shots of Lockes.
DO NOT challenge a pasty white guy with red hair to a drinking contest
I know you think you have balls the size of Texas. I’m sure you can pound a beer faster than any other guy in your fraternity. It’s wonderful that you have finished two 30 packs of Bud light by yourself in one night and still didn’t get drunk. Most Irish people are identified by their fair complexion and blatantly contrasting red hair, 99% of them WILL drink you under the table then pee in your ear, because it’s funny to them…and me…and your friends.
DO eat before going out
As is true with any good drinking binge…make sure you eat before, during and after the festivities. Might I recommend a delicious meal of corned beef and hash for breakfast? Perhaps you might enjoy washing down breakfast with a nice cold Guinness? For lunch prepare a tasty meal of corned beef and cabbage (with potatoes of course!)? This meal goes very nicely with a nice Harp brew. For Dinner? Irish Nacho’s! By the time dinner rolls around you should already be at least 7 drinks deep at a pub. So dinner will most likely be bar food and what better meal than one you can steal from your friends. When they order food encourage them to get the Irish Nacho’s. Irish Nacho’s are basically potato wedges with cheese on them. They are fucking delicious. They are even better when you can steal 2 or 3 off your friends’ plate and not have to buy them yourself!
DO NOT wear a “Kiss me I’m Irish” shirt if you are a guy
Much like wearing a pink shirt with a ‘popped collar’ being a guy and wearing a shirt that says, “Kiss me I’m Irish” you will immediately be labeled as a douche bag. Which is fine, I suppose, if that is what you are going for; but most people who would wear a shirt like that are normally people who ACTUALLY think it is going to get them kisses from chicks. You can wear any other shirt as long as it is green and pro-Irish, Ireland, drinking or potatoes. Creativity earns you points for those of you with art skills beyond that of a fourth grader. If you want to come up with some creative catch-phrase and paint in green on a white shirt, go for it!
Example of acceptable phrases:
- Irish today! Hung-over Tomorrow!
- 10% Irish. 90% Drunk.
- Patrick Was A Saint. I Ain’t!
Examples of unacceptable phrases:
- Ireland sucks. Go Canada!
- Everyone Loves an Irish Girl
- Instant Irishman. Just add alcohol.
DO buy me a beer if you see me
It is important that if you happen to see me out at a bar that you buy me at least a beer if not an Irish Car bomb. It’s part of the tradition that you buy a beer for the guy who helped you get through your night; and after reading this comprehensive guide as to how to survive St. Patrick’s Day, you should consider yourself helped! So I’ll be waiting at the bar for that shot of Bushmill’s to be dropped into a chilled glass of Guinness.
There you have it. My complete guide as to how to survive your St. Patrick’s Day festivities. Follow my guide and I ensure a problem free celebration of all the stuff that P. did for us.
Here’s a brief history lesson on the subject. Back in the 5th century some bro named Patrick was born in Britain and was kidnapped by a bunch of drunken Irish (yes, redundant, I know). When he escaped he claimed that god spoke to him and started a dual-mission of ministering Irish-Catholics as well as convert heathens into good natured Catholics. He eventually died and people celebrated his life by going to Church. Lame.
Fast forward about 1,500 years when the potato famine hit and the Catholic-Irish poured in to the US. Blah blah blah…they had funny accents…blah blah blah…were portrayed in cartoons as drunken monkeys…blah blah blah…used St. Patrick’s Day parade to rally all the Irish Americans to gain political prowess…blah blah blah…in the end, St. Patty’s Day, ended up being about: being green, getting drunk and speaking with a funny accent.
Basically, now that America has had its say…St. Patrick’s Day rocks! It’s way better now than it was. Just think, thanks to the powers of the American spirit to drink, a once religious holiday has now turned into a time when I can go to my local watering hole and order ten Irish Car Bombs and be laughed at because I am not drinking enough. If you leave a pub on St. Patrick’s Day able to remember your own name, you have disgraced the holy name of good ole what’s his name.In light of this most holy of holy day’s I have, so kindly, prepared a list of St. Patty’s day tips for those who are unfamiliar with the proper way to celebrate. This list is mostly for those who are over the age of 21 (or with a fake ID) as it will include lost of references to alcohol and bars:
DO NOT forget your green
“I don’t have a green shirt!” No excuse, go out and buy some green cloth and bobby pin it to your head if you have to. Do no be caught amongst avid St. Patrick’s Day celebrators without wearing green. Sure in school you would get pinched for not wearing green. Normally by the girl or boy who had a crush on you. Or perhaps among your friends you might find yourself getting wedgied or punched for not wearing green. However, when you are out with Irish bar patrons, bad things happen to those who do not sport the ninja turtle green. If you are lucky you will simply not be served by the bartender. Although worse, a still rather fortunate fate would be to just be kicked out of the pub. A more likely outcome? You get beaten up by a gang of drunken and rowdy Irishmen. Irish people take their green VERY seriously. Remember back in 1919 when the Anglo-Irish War broke out…yeah? It’s one of the best cover-ups by the English government. People think it started when Irish guerillas (not the apes) mounted against English suppression. It ACTUALLY started when Michael Collinsworth foolishly didn’t wear green while he was in a pub in Ireland, on St. Patrick’s Day. When questioned by Marty O’Laughlin he simply said, “Silly peasant, green is a color of the meek!” The war on Britain was declared that night.
DO remember this is an IRISH holiday so order IRISH boozeOne of the quickest ways to be ostracized from a drinking social group on this day is to not follow the #1 rule…you are here to drink like the Irish. I don’t care if you prefer your own ethnically acceptable booze or not. If you are Mexican, put down the Corona and Tequila and pick up a Harp and Powers. If you are Black let go of the 40 of Old English and bottle of Cristal and order a cup Murphy’s with a Bushmill’s back. If you are Asian forget the shot of Saki and Sapporo and drop a shot of Jameson into a Guinness. If you are White take the Budweiser out of the beer bong and leave the Jack Daniels at home and venture out and drink an Erin’s Rock and take shots of Lockes.
DO NOT challenge a pasty white guy with red hair to a drinking contest
I know you think you have balls the size of Texas. I’m sure you can pound a beer faster than any other guy in your fraternity. It’s wonderful that you have finished two 30 packs of Bud light by yourself in one night and still didn’t get drunk. Most Irish people are identified by their fair complexion and blatantly contrasting red hair, 99% of them WILL drink you under the table then pee in your ear, because it’s funny to them…and me…and your friends.
DO eat before going out
As is true with any good drinking binge…make sure you eat before, during and after the festivities. Might I recommend a delicious meal of corned beef and hash for breakfast? Perhaps you might enjoy washing down breakfast with a nice cold Guinness? For lunch prepare a tasty meal of corned beef and cabbage (with potatoes of course!)? This meal goes very nicely with a nice Harp brew. For Dinner? Irish Nacho’s! By the time dinner rolls around you should already be at least 7 drinks deep at a pub. So dinner will most likely be bar food and what better meal than one you can steal from your friends. When they order food encourage them to get the Irish Nacho’s. Irish Nacho’s are basically potato wedges with cheese on them. They are fucking delicious. They are even better when you can steal 2 or 3 off your friends’ plate and not have to buy them yourself!
DO NOT wear a “Kiss me I’m Irish” shirt if you are a guy
Much like wearing a pink shirt with a ‘popped collar’ being a guy and wearing a shirt that says, “Kiss me I’m Irish” you will immediately be labeled as a douche bag. Which is fine, I suppose, if that is what you are going for; but most people who would wear a shirt like that are normally people who ACTUALLY think it is going to get them kisses from chicks. You can wear any other shirt as long as it is green and pro-Irish, Ireland, drinking or potatoes. Creativity earns you points for those of you with art skills beyond that of a fourth grader. If you want to come up with some creative catch-phrase and paint in green on a white shirt, go for it!
Example of acceptable phrases:
- Irish today! Hung-over Tomorrow!
- 10% Irish. 90% Drunk.
- Patrick Was A Saint. I Ain’t!
Examples of unacceptable phrases:
- Ireland sucks. Go Canada!
- Everyone Loves an Irish Girl
- Instant Irishman. Just add alcohol.
DO buy me a beer if you see me
It is important that if you happen to see me out at a bar that you buy me at least a beer if not an Irish Car bomb. It’s part of the tradition that you buy a beer for the guy who helped you get through your night; and after reading this comprehensive guide as to how to survive St. Patrick’s Day, you should consider yourself helped! So I’ll be waiting at the bar for that shot of Bushmill’s to be dropped into a chilled glass of Guinness.
There you have it. My complete guide as to how to survive your St. Patrick’s Day festivities. Follow my guide and I ensure a problem free celebration of all the stuff that P. did for us.
posted by Jimmy @ 4:43 PM
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