American Idiot

I don’t normally talk much about television, because I’m trying to break into the scientist business, and you look smarter if you brag about how you don’t like TV. Want to really impress people, boast about your lack of a TV. Hell, sometimes I’m so smart I don’t even know what a TV is. To me, the words "Perfect Strangers" might as well be "Tingle Dingle Banana Man" because I don’t know what you are talking about. That’s how smart I am. But for the purpose of this article, I put down my scientific calculator, pack away my pocket protector and picked up a remote control.

Much like most kids, when I was in grade school, I happened to love staying home from school. It was great! No class, no teachers, no work, no swirlies, no 6th graders deride me…. the list goes on. But those things do not even hold a candle to the best part of staying home, Game Shows.

You know damn well that when you stayed home, you watched TV all fucking day. If you were lucky enough to wake up in time, you might be able to catch the end of that show that you never get to finish cause you had to leave for school. But after around 9:30AM, the cartoons began to dissipate. Although, TV without Ninja Turtles, Thundercats, He-man, Gi-Joe etc. is just another household gimcrack, there was hope to bed ridden children in daytime programming.

Normal daytime television is be polluted with a farrago of crappy soap operas (yeah that’s redundant, get over it), shitty talk shows, awful movies and dozens of home shopping programs that sold absolutely useless things. However, a decent knowledge of your local channels and a solid memory of programming would prove mighty useful in battling boredom. During the day, the keen surfer could navigate the channels in a way to find a new game show every half hour (except for Price is Right, god bless them, that was an hour).

Now, back then, I could watch game shows for hours and be entranced by the contests, contestants and prizes. But times have changed. Now when I try to watch a game show, I get that taste of vomit in my mouth. Who finds these contestants?!?! Also, who knew that such a large population of America is partially retarded or completely oblivious to the world around them. Yeah, lady, good job guessing that $2.78 gallon of milk is $7.93, you really do deserve that extra 15 seconds for your final shopping spree. $12.61 per pound for chicken? Someone give that guy a Plinko chip. He deserves another shot at the $5,000 slot. Luckily for him, Bob Barker gives out a free one at the beginning of the game. Ohh excellent, you agreed with Louie Anderson that the capital of Brazil is, in fact, Paris, I think you should get your X on that middle square.

As a kid I remember celebrating with those who won. I would relish in their victories. However, I stopped watching game shows after I left grade school. Then when I came back to watch them recently, there was this shift. Now there are only two logical reasons for this: 1) me got more smarter 2) a good part of America became dumber, on the whole. Now we all know that the first scenario could not possibly have happened. Thus, through conclusive evidence and infallible logic America has fallen victim to its own ridicule of the ignorance of other countries...except for Canada and France, they still suck…Ohh yeah they smell too, spread the word.

As long as I am on the topic of crappy TV, when the hell did cartoons start to suck so badly? If you are long time reader of my blog I’m sure you are aware of my affinity toward the awesome foursome the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Now, I am not suggesting that contemporary cartoons could even strive to be as divine, but come on, why do they have to make cartoon characters such fucking pussies. Cartoons were at their best when you had Donatello whack a member of the foot clan and have it blow up, Lion-O bitch slap Mumrah and laugh as he ran away or you have the Joes jumping into the Sea of Ice to get a radio active crystal from Cobras. In the 80’s cartoon characters were people everyone wanted to be. If you were a boy and didn’t want to grow up to be a Gi-Joe or a Ninja Turtle you were either gay or blind.


What do kids today learn from cartoons? Be a coward and let other people fight for you. The two biggest cartoons on TV now are Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh. Both have ‘hero’s’ that let other things fight for them. When did it become ok for kids to determine who is tougher based on what animal you have on you at the time? When did it become ok for kids to mimic hero figures that essentially talk with card or ball they have?


Fuck these new cartoons. If I am going to watch a show about fighting, I want to see people get their asses kicked and hate each other. You never saw He-man hug Skeletor after a fight and say " you did really well I bet you will become a good duelist one day." Fuck that son! You never saw that. You would see Questar take Krulos’ gigantic T-Rex and say "Get the fuck outta here, before I have Mr. Bigger-Than-You tear your ass to shreds."

It’s a sad fate for cartoons, but maybe the sudden pussifying of modern cartoons helps to explain the recent decline of intelligence in Americans.