Cinco De Mayo: The Story

Cinco de Mayo. The Mexican St. Patricks Day. A perfectly good holiday for a certain group to celebrate a historic event…however it was popularized by the great Caucasians of America. Like St. Patrick’s Day, Everyone knows there is a reason to celebrate, but 90% of these people have no clue why they are celebrating. Some people would say it’s to celebrate the Mexico’s independence, but then again, some people would be wrong. I fucking love America. Instead of trying to figure out the historical accuracy, they take the holiday at face value…another reason to stereotype the shit out of another group of people and drink till we can’t see straight.

So I bet you want to know what happened. Well I’m gonna tell ya…and as always, I will be giving you helpful hints so that your enjoyment of Cinco de Mayo is maximized.

Well, about a month and half after the first St. Patrick's Day celebration a bunch of Mexicans got really pissed off that everyone drank to the Irish, but never to the Mexicans. So, they all got drunk and rowdy and demanded that a day be dedicated to them. Being the creative ones that they are they named the new found holiday after...well...the date the holiday fell on, the 5^th (or cinco in Spanish) of May…..

Ok. So that’s not really what happened…but that story is a lot better than the real. The real story is that during the American Civil War, very out-numbered Mexico held off a French (and by ‘a’ I mean three) invasion of the city of Pueblo. Best part of this story is that France got its ass kicked…which always makes me smile, hey at least they actually followed through on a war and didn’t surrender, that has to count for something right?

So now that you know why you are partying…I want to make sure that you understand the rules of Cinco de Mayo. Yes, there are rules. Follow them, and I GUARANTEE will be blessed with good looks, lots of money and 17 virgins to do with as you please*

*I do not guarantee any of this will happen

The Do’s and Do Not’s of Celebrating Cinco de Mayo

DO NOT let any one catch you saying Cinco de Drinko.

This goes for any alteration of the name of the holiday. Understand this here and now, the holiday is called Cinco de Mayo. Not Cinco de Drinko. Not Drinko de Mayo. Not Quatro de Cinco…what?...anyway…a holiday’s name is a sacred thing. Respect the holiday and it will respect you. We don’t mess with other holiday names, Cinco de Mayo should be no different. The 4^th of July (a.k.a. Independence Day) is always known as The 4^th of July, never ‘The 4^th of drink ourselves silly.’ Look we aren’t in college any more. It isn’t clever, it never was. Get over it. If you must say it, say it to yourself in your room, because no one else wants to hear it.

DO Eat LOTS of Mexican food

Have a Burrito. Have a Taco. Have a Flauta. Have a Taquito. Doesn’t matter, just make sure if you are eating it, it’s food and it’s Mexican. Take the Hamburger off the grill, put the chop sticks down, refrain from eating at KFC for one day in your life. Today is basically Mexico Day in America. So eat Mexican food. If anything, Mexican food is really greasy and will soak up all that booze you should be drinking

DO NOT Take a Shot of Tequila

Yes you read that correctly! DO NOT take that tequila shot. I don’t care if someone is buying you a shot Louis XIV brand Tequila…well actually if someone gets you that, you can have that…let me rephrase…I don’t care if they buy you a shot of Patron or Jose Cuervo…don’t take the shot. Taking shots of Tequila will lead to a night of hoggin’. Which is fine if you are into that sort of thing, I suppose. Tequila has an uncanny ability to really fuck you up when taken in shot form. It leads to blacking out, a loss of control over ones bladder and an over all state of uncoolness. Walk into a bar tonight and you will immediately be able to tell the jackass who has had too many Tequila shots…you don’t want to be that person. Sure one shot won’t kill ya, but we are a people who learn from our mistakes, and when we realize that one shot wasn’t a mistake, we will continue to take them…and take them…and take them…then the next thing you know you are waking up with a sea mammal in bed with you.

Just.

Don’t.

Do.

It.

DO Drink Lots of Cervesa

Ok seriously…there are only two choices here…ok…maybe three…but the third isn’t really a drink….I am going to lay out what it implies to others around you when you are drinking one of the following

Corona

Male- If you are a male drinking a Corona it will be assumed that you are not a beer drinker. To guys, Corona is a chick drink. If you are caught by a guy with a Corona you will immediately be assumed to be homosexual.* If you are caught by a girl with a Corona, you will be assumed to be only trying to impress girls or came to the bar with a bunch of girls who bought your broke ass your beer for you.

*editors note – there is nothing wrong with homosexuality

Female- Good Job…you are fucking awesome. You are drinking the beer you should be drinking. A girl drinking a Corona says, “I’m not going to stick to the girly stereotype of drinking blended margarita’s that taste more like a melted pop-tart than it does booze.”

Pacifico

Male- Here is where you should be on the beer scale. Happily drinking the beer of men…as far as cervesa goes. White guys, tonight, Pacifico is your Coors Light. Black guys, tonight, Pacifico is your Night Train. Asian guys, tonight, Pacifico is your Asahi. Spanish guys, tonight, Pacifico is your…well…Pacifico. Guys everywhere, tonight, Pacifico is your safe haven. Drink Pacifico. This ad has been paid for in part by Grupo Modelo.

Female- A girl drinkin’ a Pacifico is very volatile territory. Guys, approach a girl drinking a Pacifico very cautiously. She is either the best girl (personality wise) at the bar, or your worst nightmare. Girls who drink Pacifico are either: 1) A girl down to kick with the guys…she probably knows all the rules of football and basketball (maybe even baseball)…she probably will laugh at fart jokes…she probably will challenge you to a drinking contest (which you CAN NOT under any circumstances, deny her challenge); 2) The female equivalent of the guy who is drinking a Corona….she is trying to be down with the guys…trying to find that ‘in’ with the guys…girls like this are normally pretty clingy and as such should be avoided like a rhinoceros with a shark on its back, just stampeding all over the place eating everything in sight.

Tequiza

Male- Definitely gay…no ifs, ands or buts about it. Guy + Tequiza = gay sauce

Female- Hates having fun. Girls who drink Tequiza are afraid that tequila, whether in a margarita or shot form will get them ‘too’ drunk and they “hate the taste of beer.” Just better avoid these people. Make your life easier

DO NOT Speak in Spanish if You Don’t Know the Language

People, listen up. Adding an “O” or “A” at the end of an English word to make it sound like you are talking in Es-pan-yole makes you sound fucking retardo. You don’t have to speak Spanish to enjoy a Mexican holiday. Also, don’t randomly drop Spanish words you know in the middle of an English sentence for example, if you were to say to a waitress/bartender, “Can I please have un Pacifico por favor,” she has the right to refuse you service and slap you for being an idiot. Also, if you are going to actually speak in Spanish, have a normal Spanish accent. Don’t talk like a retarded white kid from the south when you enunciate Spanish words. Also, don’t over emphasize your accent, there is a happy medium. Find it.

DO Have at Least One Margarita

Have a margarita. Here is how it goes. If you are a guy, you will get your margarita on the rocks with salt. No other way is acceptable. None of this blended bullshit. Girls, you want to be awesome? Have your marg on the rocks with salt. But understand it is acceptable that you get yours blended. The thing is guys expect girls to have fruity blended drinks so it’s a refreshing change when they see one drinking a margarita on the rocks.

DO Buy Me a Beer if You See Me

Cinco de Mayo is no different than St. Patricks Day, in that if you see me at the bar, buy me a fucking drink. I like Coro….Pacifico and margarita’s on the rocks…no shots of Tequila please. Thanks.

Well there ya have it. Once again, I have come through huge in the clutch and prepared you for a night of proper celebration for a very drunken holiday. Hope you all have as much fun as I know I will!