Things I Now Know

Being a super genius can be hard at times. Sure hot women throw themselves at you just by the thought of possibly gaining some obscure knowledge via osmosis. But it isn’t all just sushi and sake bombs being a super genius, you have a lot of responsibilities that come with the territory. These responsibilities include, but are not limited to: having to fend off all the hot women, needing to always be in the know and dutifully correcting incorrect people. This list, however, did not include the most important responsibility, being able to admit when you did not know something.

Now, this doesn’t happen all that often, but I was recently asked a question to which I, admittedly, did not know the answer. (Damn that dogs name!) This reminded me of a few of the other things I’ve recently learned and as such…now know.

Gym Showers

I spend a good amount of time in the gym every week. Seeing as a least half of these trips are in the middle of the work day, I am forced to spend time in the men’s locker room and showers. Now for any guy who has ever had to change in a gym locker room, you know that it is a very unpleasant place. First off there are naked dudes everywhere, which is bad enough, but 90% of said people are either extremely old or extremely fat. This is not to say that I want to see any guy naked (besides myself), but I’d especially rather not look at old man balls or someone’s back that waves like a lava lamp every time they move.

Now, fortunately for me, and all other straight guys out there, the men’s showers are almost always sectioned off. That is you get your own shower space where you aren’t exposed to the rest of the locker room. Ever since the first time I set foot in a gym shower, I’ve been under the assumption that the female locker room showers were similar…

Enter pornography.

I’ve since learned that the woman’s showers are just basically one giant gigantic shower with multiple shower heads (many of which have detachable heads) around the room. Also, I’ve learned that woman really do care about making sure that they are 100% clean. Thus, they request the help of other women to help scrub them, especially for those hard to reach spots, like the small of your back. If there are more than 2 women who need to shower, they all just kind of wash each other off. This has basically become an unspoken rule of the showers for women. It’s very sporting of women to help each other out like that, because that shit would NOT fly in a men’s shower…cause that would be just gross.

Lesson learned? I need to start showering in the woman’s locker room

Alcohol

Almost everyone I know has gone through a D.A.R.E. program of some sort or another as a kid. For those of you who do not know, D.A.R.E. is a program where a police officer comes into your classroom and talks to you, for about an hour, about the evils of drugs and alcohol. Even if you have not been through a D.A.R.E. program, I’m sure you’ve heard the following quote at some point in your life:

“Alcohol doesn’t fix your problems.”

This was always a saying in which I held a lot of stock. However, in a moment of clarity I realized just how dumb of a quote that really is. Saying that, ‘alcohol doesn’t fix your problems,’ is like saying ‘a great white shark can kill you.’ It’s just a blanket statement that brings nothing to the table. Sure alcohol can’t fix my problems but then again neither can grape juice. I can’t remember the last time Dr. Pepper ever fixed anything for me.

To prove my point, I decided to hold a little experiment. A friend of mine was going through a rough time trying to get over his recent break-up. So I asked him if he would help me with my experiment. He obliged. So on Friday night I blind folded him and fed him 8 glasses of jack & coke. Then on Saturday night I, once again, blind folded him but this time fed him 8 glasses of milk. On Monday I asked him to explain how he felt after each one. Well the long and the short of it was that he had a great time on Friday night…was in the bathroom vomiting all night on Saturday…and felt awful all day on Sunday. I said that I had all the evidence that I needed, he said something about lactose-intolerance or some other long word that I didn’t really care to ask the meaning of…

Lesson learned? Alcohol solves all problems better than milk.

Babies

Life is sexually transmitted. With this in mind, it is important to remember that those who are ‘transmitting’ life are not always the most aesthetically pleasing people. This leads to the astonishing conclusion…not all babies are cute. I was always under the impression that not all babies are cute, so this conclusion is not news to me. However, I would guess that it is news to most women.

I don’t understand where the trend came from, or why, but for whatever reason women believe that ALL kids are incredibly cute…and feel the need to vocalize this with a high pitched, “AWWWW!” whenever they see one. I understand that a girl will always tell a mom that their kid is cute, but that is to make the mom feel better about her offspring. It works kind of like when girls tell other girls how cute they look in their new outfit (even if the outfit is a moo-moo). However, what does not make any sense is why girls must lie about the ‘cuteness’ of a kid whose mom/dad is not even within earshot.

Lesson Learned? Girls can’t see well.

Sleep-Overs

One of the best ways for any kid to spend his/her weekend is to have a sleep over at their friend’s house or have their friend sleep over at their house. I used to have these all the time and they normally ended up the same way. We would stay up real late playing Nintendo or some board game. The games would end up getting really competitive and one person would blame the other person for cheating. Then we would start wrestling, which turned into us fighting, which turned into someone getting hurt, which turned into us finding something else to do. Rinse and repeat until the parents woke up and told us to stop fighting and go to bed.

Having a twin sister provided me with great opportunities to see, first hand, what girls do at sleep-overs. However, they were no where near as interesting. Normally the girls would start off the night doing each others make-up…followed by a feeble attempt convince me to let them ‘do my makeup.’ They would then retreat to my sister’s room, where the girls would just gossip and giggle, until they were tired and went to sleep. Lame.

Well as grown ups (or at least feigning as much) things have changed a bit. Guy’s don’t really plan sleep-overs any more. A sleep-over is, more so, determined by one person saying, “yes,” to the following question: “Dude can I crash at your place tonight?” 99% of the time this is said in expectation of going out and getting really drunk that night. Once guys get back from a night of drinking (and the sleep-over part begins), they do one or more of the following: 1) drink more (usually the case); 2) watch TV; 3) call girls for a booty call (also a regular) 4) drink more.

I regret to say that I have not had the opportunity to observe what it is that grown up girls do when they have sleep-overs. Sure I’ve tried once before, but that ended in me figuring out how loud girls can actually scream, when they find someone in their closet, and a restraining order…but we won’t get into that. Despite my failure on that front, I had back up!

Once again, porn to the rescue.

The answer was so simple. I can’t believe I didn’t figure this out for myself. Clearly, the only logical thing for two or more girls to do together at night while at home is to undress down to their bra and panties and have a massive pillow fight. Eventually, someone ends up getting hurt and that’s when all the girls stop the fight and start tending to the injured. This process can possibly contain any of the following (possibly more): hugging, massaging, kissing the injured spot or holding one another.

Lesson Learned? Girls are mean for not video taping their sleep-overs.

Homework

Class isn’t too bad. I don’t know many people who actually mind going to class while in college. The biggest gripe about going to school is the massive amount of homework that students must complete. However, little do students realize, all of the homework is a blessing in disguise. Having a lot of work to do helps to teach the greatest lesson of college: time management. That is to say, when do I need to stop having fun and get down to business?

Throughout grade school and high school, I always thought that any mistakes made in time management were my fault. Boy was I wrong. The question of when it’s time to start homework is answered by one person alone, and that person will change depending on the circumstances. The decision maker is the person, in your group of friends, who is the most fucked. If your friend has more work to do than you do and still is going to do something other than study, then you, too, still have time before you must start working. Still don’t understand, perhaps an example will help guide you to enlightenment:

Guy 1: “Yo dude, you gonna drink tonight?”

Guy 2: “Naw I’ve got to write this 5 page paper, then do 20 calculus problems and read a 15 page chapter in my history book.”

Guy 1: “What?! That’s not even that much, I’ve got a 10 pager due tomorrow, plus I need to read the entire book of Fahrenheit 451. After that I need to put together a full power point for my group project in ISQM. Then I have to do our History reading and I’m still gonna go out! Look we’ll only go out till like 1 or 2 then we’ll come back and get this shit taken care of.”

Guy 2: “Wow I never thought of it that way, so what’re we drinkin’ tonight?”

Lesson Learned: I hate my friends.