Cloudy with a Chance of Bacon!

So last night I was forced to watch Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. Without sugarcoating it...the movie was far from good. It was barely verging on unwatchable. Granted, I'm sure kids would love the movie, but most kids are dumb. They can't even drink or drive or do basic algebra. So who cares what they think? Anyway, my dislike for the movie was not purely one-sided; rather, there were a couple of saving graces.

Going into the movie I understood the basic foundation of the movie: some dude invents a way to make it rain food...specifically meatballs. However, never, in my wildest dreams, did I envision that said dude would make it rain the most wondrous of all foods, bacon! When I saw the first slice of perfectly formed, well cooked, bacon fall from the sky and land into the mouth of some lucky resident of Swallow Falls, I felt a tear drop from the corner of my right eye. That tear of joy came from the thought of me frolicking in a land where the meat of kings would simply fall from the sky and right into my mouth. Imagining a world were I had to do nothing more than tilt my head back to receive bacon filled my heart with joy like you couldn't imagine. But wait...it gets better! I know what you are thinking, "Jimmy, there is no way this world you've created for me can be any more enjoyable." To which I would say, "Dude! It totally can! Just wait and see!"

So to make this magical world of bacon way better, I offer this caveat, it also includes a monkey...who can talk...and throw it's own feces at other people. Ok...I'll stop for a moment and let you attempt to wrap your mind around the idea of not only having an unending supply of the most magical of meats BUT you also get a monkey, who not only can simply talk, but states what he is doing at all times, AS WELL AS throws his own feces at OTHER people! Yeah I know! It's unfathomable. Had there been Dinosaurs to ride around on as well, I'm pretty sure my head would have exploded....and by pretty sure, I mean there is no other plausible outcome.

Which brings me back to my original point...the movie was dumb. "But Jimmy, you described the most wonderful, glorious and downright delicious land there ever was...what did you not like about the movie?" I'll tell you! The reason I didn't like the movie is because I'm a rational person. As a rational person, I expect others to be rational as well. There were two people involved in the movie who were wildly irrational...and that pisses me off.

First person: The person who named the movie/book (probably the writer). So let me get this straight, you write a script about food falling from the sky (namely bacon) and choose to name it after a sub-par use for beer. Regardless of the fact that Cloudy with a Chance of Bacon is the correct name, clearly if you were going the bovine route, you could have named it something along the lines of: Cloudy with a Chance of Prime Rib or Cloudy with a Chance of Filet Mignon even Cloudy with a Chance of Steak would have been better than Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs.

Second person: Flint Lockwood (the inventor). Flint makes this incredible machine that can make it rain food. Not only that, but it can rain any food product he chooses. What I don't understand why would you ever change it off the bacon setting? Once again I know what you are thinking, "but Jimmy, you'd have to drink something eventually." Well duh! Idiot. I already thought of that! See Flint has the ability to make it rain solids and liquids (as Orange Juice came down with the bacon). Which means that he SHOULD have made it only bacon and scotch.

In the words of my friend Mike, "If pigs didn't want to get eaten, they should have thought of that before they became so delicious.”

Posted via email from Jimmy's posterous