It's Funny Because it's You!

One little statement has gotten me into a lot of trouble recently. That statement is…

What you can’t take a joke? Fuck you.

There are things in my life that I would redo if given the chance (not necessarily regret though). One of those incidences occurred last weekend on Saturday night. To make a long story short, I ended up at a college party with a friend of mine talking to a group of girls. Seeing as I was drunk and surrounded by good looking college women who seemed half interested in my light hearted banter, I went into ‘attention getting mode.’

At one point a young lady who apparently didn’t like me very much commented on the stain on the right half of my white shirt. I informed her that while playing a game of flip cup a guy on my team bumped into a guy looking over his shoulder and spilled an entire cup of beer on me. I laughed about the situation, my audience laughed about the situation; however she didn’t seem find it as funny and I’m not sure why. Seeing as it was her party she said, “well I don’t want people looking trashy at my party.”

Ok hold the phone. Your friend spilled beer on me and you want me to leave because of it? No way is this happening without me getting a word or two in!

Having decided that I would actually leave, and still with my crowd around me I utilized the opportunity to amuse myself one last time and informed her of her ‘trashy’ condition:

“Wait a minute, you are asking me to leave your party for looking trashy? Isn’t that kind of like the pot calling the kettle ‘black’? Your make-up looks like you applied it with a shotgun.”

Needless to say she didn’t like that comment very much…and by ‘didn’t like it very much’ I mean she didn’t like it at all…and she started yelling at me.

Ok I admit it, it wasn’t the nicest thing I could have said in that situation or the most diplomatic, but to be fair…that’s what she looked like…either that or that she did her make-up during a black-out (God I hope she reads this!). The next minute or so was comprised of her spitting out a bunch of profanity, which I paid no real attention to. At the end of the discourse I simply said to her that magic line…

What you can’t take a joke? Fuck you.

I then made my exit. The chick who took me to the party got pissed at me. I’ve since heard back that the party chick doesn’t like me very much…big surprise. My friend, again got made at me and said I should have dropped it, blah blah blah. Now I’m normally I pretty nice guy. However, I become infuriated when I learn that people can not laugh at themselves, at times.

So I would now like to visit some times in my life when, I made the right choice and kept my mouth shut.

More than a year and half ago I started working for the company I currently work for. Everyone in the office was really nice. It took very little time for me to get in tight with the ‘in crowd*’ of the office. This meant I was included on group emails where some of the office regulars would send jokes around the office. A lot of jokes really blew and occasionally I’d receive those awful emails that said how great of a friend I am, yet if I don’t send it out to at least a kajillion people then I will die in 36 seconds of a horrible death. However, every so often I would get a little gem that would brighten my day. The good ones, as most good jokes normally are, were either racist, sexist, religious or political.

*The in crowd is mostly comprised of females under the age of 27

All was well in my happy little land of jokes-at-the-workplace-ville until one fateful day. The ‘in crowd’ has a lady that is (or at least appears to be) well into her 40’s [we’ll call her Sue]. Sue would periodically send out an email about why husbands/men suck, or why Republicans are stupid or why other races are useless…you know all jokes that fall into the whole realm of: “wow you would be a bigot if I didn’t think you were kidding,” which is fine, I tell jokes like that and expect people to know that I am joking. However, I saw a rather good joke about Democrats and decided that political humor was acceptable. So as per usual, I sent it out to the in crowd, with the attention toward Sue, as she was the biggest proponent for anti-republican jokes.

Hey Sue…thought you might like this one! =)

Jimmy

*Notice the smiley face…please pay special attention to the fucking smiley face…in case you are as thick as Sue…that means I’m not serious.*

I was expecting a friendly email saying how the joke was actually kind of funny (which it was!) instead I get this message that had a tone that suggested I had killed her first born child and was threatening to eat it in front of her. I thought that she might come over to my desk and stab me in the neck with her ball point pen. Now, was this email anti-Democrat? Yes. Was it so anti-Democrat to warrant taking offense? Not a fucking chance. It’s retarded political views like these that help make our politics a joke. Sue officially ruined any and all chances we had at being able to speak on any level beyond work by this move, only because I would have to watch what I say around her…which I am not good at. If I were good at watching what I say then I probably wouldn’t be writing this!

Seeing as I never really had the heart to say this to her at the time…I’ll say it now…

Hey Sue! You can’t take a joke? Fuck You!

Now, there isn’t anything wrong with supporting your religion (hell I’m Catholic, but I still find aspects of the Catholic religion bizarre). However, two notable Scientologists have now gotten in the way of me having a good time, and who are they to stand in the way of Jimmy Corvan having a good time. Those of you who are awesome and watch South Park, with any regularity, know that the show takes no prisoners, if you are a known group of people, you will be ridiculed.

The show recently lost its voice for the character Chef, played by Isaac Hayes (yes, the singer). Recently, South Park created an episode dedicated to the satire of Scientology…yup you guessed it…Isaac Hayes is a Scientologist. Now let me remind you that Hayes has been on the show for all 9 seasons the show has been around; which means he was there when the makers ridiculed Christianity. And Judaism. And Hinduism. And Buddhism. And Mormonism. And Islam. But then when they do Scientology, what does he say?

"There is a place in this world for satire, but there is a time when satire ends and intolerance and bigotry towards religious beliefs of others begins"

Give me a fucking break. I don’t understand how someone can honestly be offended by a bunch of fucking 4th graders whose whole existence is to mock EVERYTHING under sun. But…this didn’t stop there. Instead of pulling the show (in hopes of keeping Isaac’s baritone voice for the show) Matt Stone and Trey Parker decided to tell Isaac to shove it and wanted to run the show anyway.

Hey Isaac Hayes! You can’t take a joke? Fuck you!

Enter, super psycho crazy Scientologist and all around creepy person Tom Cruise. As you might know, Tom just finished filming Mission Impossible III. Wonderful, they made a sequel to that shit ball they called MI:2. Long story made short, the company who made MI:3 (Paramount) is owned by Viacom who also owns Comedy Central. Cruise thought he would be cute and tell Viacom that he would not promote MI:3 if they allowed Comedy Central to run the Scientology episode of South Park. So at the last second, Viacom pulled the episode.

You know what Tom, you can’t take a joke? Fuck you.

It’s idiots like these people that make this world less enjoyable for me. I expect people to make fun of me and the things I do…I expect other people to allow me to make fun of them and things they do…I expect this to be a happy synergy.


For those of you interested in this episode…here is a link to it…I HIGHLY recommend you watch it…they nail Scientology to the fucking wall and its hilarious

Scientology Episode of South Park

St. Patricks Day Special

Welcome everyone to Jimmy’s Super Special St. Patrick’s Day Blog. As you should know, today is St. Patrick’s Day; and like any great, ethnic/religious, holiday is ONLY observed by the most devout followers. Its celebration of Saint Patrick has the most holy of rituals which include (but are not limited to): pinching people who are, foolishly, not wearing green, dressing up like a leprechaun and consuming massive amounts of Irish beer and Irish whiskey, which is conveniently tinted green. Basically, it is another holiday ruined by the American mentality of, “let’s find a reason to get fucked up and drink till we can’t see straight.” Ohh and by ruined, I meant to say enhanced.



Here’s a brief history lesson on the subject. Back in the 5th century some bro named Patrick was born in Britain and was kidnapped by a bunch of drunken Irish (yes, redundant, I know). When he escaped he claimed that god spoke to him and started a dual-mission of ministering Irish-Catholics as well as convert heathens into good natured Catholics. He eventually died and people celebrated his life by going to Church. Lame.



Fast forward about 1,500 years when the potato famine hit and the Catholic-Irish poured in to the US. Blah blah blah…they had funny accents…blah blah blah…were portrayed in cartoons as drunken monkeys…blah blah blah…used St. Patrick’s Day parade to rally all the Irish Americans to gain political prowess…blah blah blah…in the end, St. Patty’s Day, ended up being about: being green, getting drunk and speaking with a funny accent.



Basically, now that America has had its say…St. Patrick’s Day rocks! It’s way better now than it was. Just think, thanks to the powers of the American spirit to drink, a once religious holiday has now turned into a time when I can go to my local watering hole and order ten Irish Car Bombs and be laughed at because I am not drinking enough. If you leave a pub on St. Patrick’s Day able to remember your own name, you have disgraced the holy name of good ole what’s his name.



In light of this most holy of holy day’s I have, so kindly, prepared a list of St. Patty’s day tips for those who are unfamiliar with the proper way to celebrate. This list is mostly for those who are over the age of 21 (or with a fake ID) as it will include lost of references to alcohol and bars:



Jimmy's Dos and Do Nots of Celebrating St. Patrick’s Day



DO NOT forget your green
“I don’t have a green shirt!” No excuse, go out and buy some green cloth and bobby pin it to your head if you have to. Do no be caught amongst avid St. Patrick’s Day celebrators without wearing green. Sure in school you would get pinched for not wearing green. Normally by the girl or boy who had a crush on you. Or perhaps among your friends you might find yourself getting wedgied or punched for not wearing green. However, when you are out with Irish bar patrons, bad things happen to those who do not sport the ninja turtle green. If you are lucky you will simply not be served by the bartender. Although worse, a still rather fortunate fate would be to just be kicked out of the pub. A more likely outcome? You get beaten up by a gang of drunken and rowdy Irishmen. Irish people take their green VERY seriously. Remember back in 1919 when the Anglo-Irish War broke out…yeah? It’s one of the best cover-ups by the English government. People think it started when Irish guerillas (not the apes) mounted against English suppression. It ACTUALLY started when Michael Collinsworth foolishly didn’t wear green while he was in a pub in Ireland, on St. Patrick’s Day. When questioned by Marty O’Laughlin he simply said, “Silly peasant, green is a color of the meek!” The war on Britain was declared that night.



DO remember this is an IRISH holiday so order IRISH booze
One of the quickest ways to be ostracized from a drinking social group on this day is to not follow the #1 rule…you are here to drink like the Irish. I don’t care if you prefer your own ethnically acceptable booze or not. If you are Mexican, put down the Corona and Tequila and pick up a Harp and Powers. If you are Black let go of the 40 of Old English and bottle of Cristal and order a cup Murphy’s with a Bushmill’s back. If you are Asian forget the shot of Saki and Sapporo and drop a shot of Jameson into a Guinness. If you are White take the Budweiser out of the beer bong and leave the Jack Daniels at home and venture out and drink an Erin’s Rock and take shots of Lockes.



DO NOT challenge a pasty white guy with red hair to a drinking contest
I know you think you have balls the size of Texas. I’m sure you can pound a beer faster than any other guy in your fraternity. It’s wonderful that you have finished two 30 packs of Bud light by yourself in one night and still didn’t get drunk. Most Irish people are identified by their fair complexion and blatantly contrasting red hair, 99% of them WILL drink you under the table then pee in your ear, because it’s funny to them…and me…and your friends.



DO eat before going out
As is true with any good drinking binge…make sure you eat before, during and after the festivities. Might I recommend a delicious meal of corned beef and hash for breakfast? Perhaps you might enjoy washing down breakfast with a nice cold Guinness? For lunch prepare a tasty meal of corned beef and cabbage (with potatoes of course!)? This meal goes very nicely with a nice Harp brew. For Dinner? Irish Nacho’s! By the time dinner rolls around you should already be at least 7 drinks deep at a pub. So dinner will most likely be bar food and what better meal than one you can steal from your friends. When they order food encourage them to get the Irish Nacho’s. Irish Nacho’s are basically potato wedges with cheese on them. They are fucking delicious. They are even better when you can steal 2 or 3 off your friends’ plate and not have to buy them yourself!




DO NOT wear a “Kiss me I’m Irish” shirt if you are a guy
Much like wearing a pink shirt with a ‘popped collar’ being a guy and wearing a shirt that says, “Kiss me I’m Irish” you will immediately be labeled as a douche bag. Which is fine, I suppose, if that is what you are going for; but most people who would wear a shirt like that are normally people who ACTUALLY think it is going to get them kisses from chicks. You can wear any other shirt as long as it is green and pro-Irish, Ireland, drinking or potatoes. Creativity earns you points for those of you with art skills beyond that of a fourth grader. If you want to come up with some creative catch-phrase and paint in green on a white shirt, go for it!



Example of acceptable phrases:



- Irish today! Hung-over Tomorrow!
- 10% Irish. 90% Drunk.
- Patrick Was A Saint. I Ain’t!



Examples of unacceptable phrases:



- Ireland sucks. Go Canada!
- Everyone Loves an Irish Girl
- Instant Irishman. Just add alcohol.



DO buy me a beer if you see me
It is important that if you happen to see me out at a bar that you buy me at least a beer if not an Irish Car bomb. It’s part of the tradition that you buy a beer for the guy who helped you get through your night; and after reading this comprehensive guide as to how to survive St. Patrick’s Day, you should consider yourself helped! So I’ll be waiting at the bar for that shot of Bushmill’s to be dropped into a chilled glass of Guinness.




There you have it. My complete guide as to how to survive your St. Patrick’s Day festivities. Follow my guide and I ensure a problem free celebration of all the stuff that P. did for us.