I'm FUCKING Rich

HA HA! I’m fucking outta here. Boy this must be my lucky day. You all can start being jealous now. I’M FUCKING RICH! I’m getting the hell out of my house buying a place on some tropical island. Now that I think about it maybe I’ll just buy the tropical island, can do that now that I’m stinking fucking rich….

Well I’m going to be stinking rich…I’m not yet. But I’m going to be very very soon. Holy crap I can’t believe how lucky I got. Let me tell you why I’m about to come into A LOT of money.

It all started this morning when I was checking my email and I saw this message from Dr. Clement Okon. Now this man is someone I’ve never met, but I look forward to the day I get to shake his hand because he’s going to make me really rich. Anyway, in his email he outlined how he made a fortune while in Nigeria (who knew there was actually money in the country?!?). He is a top official in Nigeria for some panel. I figured that being a top official in Nigeria he probably doesn’t have time to get into details about the panel. Due to some civil uprising Dr. Okon must get out of Nigeria.

Ohh man I’m gonna be sooo rich.

However, in order to claim his fortune while in America, he must transfer the funds to an account not in his name…that’s where I come in…he simply transfers the money to my account, then when he gets into America, I transfer it back.

His net worth is, “US$213,362,00.” He told me if he could use my account to get his money into America he would grant me 20% of the transfer! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH MONEY THAT IS!?!?!

You must be wondering, “well how are you going to get the 20%?” He, being very thorough, made sure to include that in the email as well! Get this…all I have to do is send him my name, address, phone number and bank account information (ya know, name of the bank, account number, routing number etc.) so he can transfer it into my account!

I know, this sounds too good to be true, there has to be something else I have to do. Nope nothing, just give him all my bank information then wait for his call. Dr. Okon seems to be a very trustworthy guy as he ended his email with, “Please note: this transaction is 100% safe and we look forward to wrapping this transaction up in 7 business days.”

See a guarantee of safety! Dr. Okon is a saint. You’ll see…in just a few days I’ll be bustin’ a Scrooge McDuck with a full back flip into my new fortune.

I’m gonna be so rich.

Cinco De Mayo: The Story

Cinco de Mayo. The Mexican St. Patricks Day. A perfectly good holiday for a certain group to celebrate a historic event…however it was popularized by the great Caucasians of America. Like St. Patrick’s Day, Everyone knows there is a reason to celebrate, but 90% of these people have no clue why they are celebrating. Some people would say it’s to celebrate the Mexico’s independence, but then again, some people would be wrong. I fucking love America. Instead of trying to figure out the historical accuracy, they take the holiday at face value…another reason to stereotype the shit out of another group of people and drink till we can’t see straight.

So I bet you want to know what happened. Well I’m gonna tell ya…and as always, I will be giving you helpful hints so that your enjoyment of Cinco de Mayo is maximized.

Well, about a month and half after the first St. Patrick's Day celebration a bunch of Mexicans got really pissed off that everyone drank to the Irish, but never to the Mexicans. So, they all got drunk and rowdy and demanded that a day be dedicated to them. Being the creative ones that they are they named the new found holiday after...well...the date the holiday fell on, the 5^th (or cinco in Spanish) of May…..

Ok. So that’s not really what happened…but that story is a lot better than the real. The real story is that during the American Civil War, very out-numbered Mexico held off a French (and by ‘a’ I mean three) invasion of the city of Pueblo. Best part of this story is that France got its ass kicked…which always makes me smile, hey at least they actually followed through on a war and didn’t surrender, that has to count for something right?

So now that you know why you are partying…I want to make sure that you understand the rules of Cinco de Mayo. Yes, there are rules. Follow them, and I GUARANTEE will be blessed with good looks, lots of money and 17 virgins to do with as you please*

*I do not guarantee any of this will happen

The Do’s and Do Not’s of Celebrating Cinco de Mayo

DO NOT let any one catch you saying Cinco de Drinko.

This goes for any alteration of the name of the holiday. Understand this here and now, the holiday is called Cinco de Mayo. Not Cinco de Drinko. Not Drinko de Mayo. Not Quatro de Cinco…what?...anyway…a holiday’s name is a sacred thing. Respect the holiday and it will respect you. We don’t mess with other holiday names, Cinco de Mayo should be no different. The 4^th of July (a.k.a. Independence Day) is always known as The 4^th of July, never ‘The 4^th of drink ourselves silly.’ Look we aren’t in college any more. It isn’t clever, it never was. Get over it. If you must say it, say it to yourself in your room, because no one else wants to hear it.

DO Eat LOTS of Mexican food

Have a Burrito. Have a Taco. Have a Flauta. Have a Taquito. Doesn’t matter, just make sure if you are eating it, it’s food and it’s Mexican. Take the Hamburger off the grill, put the chop sticks down, refrain from eating at KFC for one day in your life. Today is basically Mexico Day in America. So eat Mexican food. If anything, Mexican food is really greasy and will soak up all that booze you should be drinking

DO NOT Take a Shot of Tequila

Yes you read that correctly! DO NOT take that tequila shot. I don’t care if someone is buying you a shot Louis XIV brand Tequila…well actually if someone gets you that, you can have that…let me rephrase…I don’t care if they buy you a shot of Patron or Jose Cuervo…don’t take the shot. Taking shots of Tequila will lead to a night of hoggin’. Which is fine if you are into that sort of thing, I suppose. Tequila has an uncanny ability to really fuck you up when taken in shot form. It leads to blacking out, a loss of control over ones bladder and an over all state of uncoolness. Walk into a bar tonight and you will immediately be able to tell the jackass who has had too many Tequila shots…you don’t want to be that person. Sure one shot won’t kill ya, but we are a people who learn from our mistakes, and when we realize that one shot wasn’t a mistake, we will continue to take them…and take them…and take them…then the next thing you know you are waking up with a sea mammal in bed with you.

Just.

Don’t.

Do.

It.

DO Drink Lots of Cervesa

Ok seriously…there are only two choices here…ok…maybe three…but the third isn’t really a drink….I am going to lay out what it implies to others around you when you are drinking one of the following

Corona

Male- If you are a male drinking a Corona it will be assumed that you are not a beer drinker. To guys, Corona is a chick drink. If you are caught by a guy with a Corona you will immediately be assumed to be homosexual.* If you are caught by a girl with a Corona, you will be assumed to be only trying to impress girls or came to the bar with a bunch of girls who bought your broke ass your beer for you.

*editors note – there is nothing wrong with homosexuality

Female- Good Job…you are fucking awesome. You are drinking the beer you should be drinking. A girl drinking a Corona says, “I’m not going to stick to the girly stereotype of drinking blended margarita’s that taste more like a melted pop-tart than it does booze.”

Pacifico

Male- Here is where you should be on the beer scale. Happily drinking the beer of men…as far as cervesa goes. White guys, tonight, Pacifico is your Coors Light. Black guys, tonight, Pacifico is your Night Train. Asian guys, tonight, Pacifico is your Asahi. Spanish guys, tonight, Pacifico is your…well…Pacifico. Guys everywhere, tonight, Pacifico is your safe haven. Drink Pacifico. This ad has been paid for in part by Grupo Modelo.

Female- A girl drinkin’ a Pacifico is very volatile territory. Guys, approach a girl drinking a Pacifico very cautiously. She is either the best girl (personality wise) at the bar, or your worst nightmare. Girls who drink Pacifico are either: 1) A girl down to kick with the guys…she probably knows all the rules of football and basketball (maybe even baseball)…she probably will laugh at fart jokes…she probably will challenge you to a drinking contest (which you CAN NOT under any circumstances, deny her challenge); 2) The female equivalent of the guy who is drinking a Corona….she is trying to be down with the guys…trying to find that ‘in’ with the guys…girls like this are normally pretty clingy and as such should be avoided like a rhinoceros with a shark on its back, just stampeding all over the place eating everything in sight.

Tequiza

Male- Definitely gay…no ifs, ands or buts about it. Guy + Tequiza = gay sauce

Female- Hates having fun. Girls who drink Tequiza are afraid that tequila, whether in a margarita or shot form will get them ‘too’ drunk and they “hate the taste of beer.” Just better avoid these people. Make your life easier

DO NOT Speak in Spanish if You Don’t Know the Language

People, listen up. Adding an “O” or “A” at the end of an English word to make it sound like you are talking in Es-pan-yole makes you sound fucking retardo. You don’t have to speak Spanish to enjoy a Mexican holiday. Also, don’t randomly drop Spanish words you know in the middle of an English sentence for example, if you were to say to a waitress/bartender, “Can I please have un Pacifico por favor,” she has the right to refuse you service and slap you for being an idiot. Also, if you are going to actually speak in Spanish, have a normal Spanish accent. Don’t talk like a retarded white kid from the south when you enunciate Spanish words. Also, don’t over emphasize your accent, there is a happy medium. Find it.

DO Have at Least One Margarita

Have a margarita. Here is how it goes. If you are a guy, you will get your margarita on the rocks with salt. No other way is acceptable. None of this blended bullshit. Girls, you want to be awesome? Have your marg on the rocks with salt. But understand it is acceptable that you get yours blended. The thing is guys expect girls to have fruity blended drinks so it’s a refreshing change when they see one drinking a margarita on the rocks.

DO Buy Me a Beer if You See Me

Cinco de Mayo is no different than St. Patricks Day, in that if you see me at the bar, buy me a fucking drink. I like Coro….Pacifico and margarita’s on the rocks…no shots of Tequila please. Thanks.

Well there ya have it. Once again, I have come through huge in the clutch and prepared you for a night of proper celebration for a very drunken holiday. Hope you all have as much fun as I know I will!

Sickness the Learning Experience

For those of you who didn’t know, I spent the entire week last week being as close as humanly possible to feeling like death, without actually dying. I can’t remember the last time I felt that awful. Well, I’m happy to report that I made it out alive! (well almost, I’m still not quite better) Now I am not writing this in hopes of gaining sympathy from those who have not already offered it. I am here to inform you that I’ve learned a few things during my time in bed and I wanted to share this insight with you.

1. Home Remedies Suck

Everyone has one. There isn’t a person, I know, that doesn’t have some ‘remedy’ their mom taught them. Every single one of these ALWAYS works when that person has the flu (which I had). Well I learned they fucking suck balls.

“Jimmy you should eat plenty of Chicken Soup.”

Perhaps my body was in a generous mood when I followed this little tidbit of help because no more than one hour after struggling through a bowl of luke warm soup my body decided to offer it back up to the earth. I hope my toilet bowel appreciated that gift, because I know my stomach didn’t.

“A hot shower will help that headache”

Ok I wish I could remember who offered this advice to me. I really do. That way the next time they have a headache, I can go over to their house and beat them on their head with a pair of drum sticks, because that’s what the shower felt like. It did a great job of making my full body ache go away, but that’s probably because that shower made my head hurt so badly that I couldn’t feel anything else on my body.

“Just run your hands under hot water to ease your headache.”

I shit you not…this is a remedy someone suggested to me. Well, it worked. I ran my hands under scalding hot water and (much like my full body ache described above) the headache just went away. This, however, was at the cost of me burning the shit out of my hands and thus, having a new problem on my hands (no pun intended). Who knew that your tolerance for temperature goes down when you’re really sick?

2. I Prefer to Remove OJ from my System Via Urination

Sounds silly, but it’s true. OJ is the worst thing you could EVER drink while you are sick with the flu. It tastes WAY better going in the ‘in’ door than it does going out the ‘in’ door. Must be the acid from the OJ, but whatever it is, it fucking burns and it doesn’t end. I am still curious as to how I managed to vomit up MORE orange juice than was actually consumed. I drank probably half a cup and threw up probably half a gallon. Perhaps my body has been saving it up for an occasion just like this. Well played stomach

3. Techno Music Makes it Hard to Sleep

I really wish I hadn’t learned this lesson, but alas, I did. For all you out there with roommates, I’ll send you this suggestion…if you are sick…and want to go to sleep, kindly ask your roommate to keep the blaring techno music to a minimum as it becomes very difficult to drift off into a sleepy comatose with the back beat of Sandstorm thumping through every wall of the house. It is better to ask before, because who knows if you’ll have the energy to stand up and bitch slap the idiot for putting on in the first place, while you are still sick.

4. Daytime TV Sucks Monkey Balls

Normally, being home sick from work is like a godsend for me. If I stay home from work it means I’m really sick…but rarely too sick to play video games. So my days home from work are normally filled with lots of sleeping and playing video games, joy! Well, this time I was so sick that I would get dizzy playing the simplest of video games, so no Nintendo for me. So I turned to my arch villain, cable TV, for a safe haven from boredom.

For some reason I remember daytime TV being a lot better than it is. I can remember sick days of never ending game shows leading right in to a healthy four hour dose of ‘after school’ cartoons (that started at 1:00 for some reason, I wish I had gone to that school). Today, TV fucking sucks during the day. No cartoons (worth watching), no game shows, no sports…fucking nothing but vapid soap operas and bullshit QVC programming. I am very upset about this.

The no sports thing, is fucking bullshit, there should ALWAYS be something good on ESPN. ESPN was created based on the acronym: Entertainment and Sports Programming Network. I’m not sure which executive at ESPN decided this, but let me be the first to tell them…FISHING IS NOT A SPORT…NOR IS IT FUCKING ENTERTAINING. In fact, its god awful to watch on TV. I don’t know what idiots actually do watch that, but I feel bad for them. There is no way anyone’s time could be spent doing anything dumber. I’d rather watch my fingernails grow.

5. It’s More Fun Watching the NBA Playoffs with my Friends

Now for those of you who live in a cave, Game 2 of the Lakers vs. Suns occurred on Wednesday April 26. I was so sick at that point that I can’t even remember exactly what happened…that’s right it was as if I drunkenly blacked out…that’s how sick I was. However, because I have such great friends, instead of going out, on Friday night, to a bar crowded with Laker fans, happily drinking themselves into oblivion, all my friends decided to come over and watch game 3 with me while I was still bed-ridden. HA! Yeah right. My friends are assholes and left me for dead. But I’m sure cheering to myself was just as much fun as they all had while out at a sports bar...what with their high fiving strangers every time the Lakers did something amazing or their darts during half time or post game round or two of pool. I bet they were jealous of my white rice and Theraflu dinner I had while they were stuff their faces with hot wings, nachos, beer and Jaeger shots…Yeah I bet I had just as much fun as they did.

So I can only hope that you will heed that which I have mentioned here…as only a fool would want to experience the week I just had.