Cartoons Vs. Parents, Round 1, FIGHT!

Just about everyone grows up. Perhaps not in the sense that you grow up AND mature; but everyone does go through a series developmental stages (unless of course there are made dead before). If you ask most people, who raised you? They will, almost, invariably say my parents. If you ask a bunch of really smart people, that thrive on quoting popular quips, they might mention, the o' so cliche, it takes a village to raise a child. EENNHH!!! Wrong. Both answers are unacceptable and completely foolish. Children are raised on the media they consume; and no, I do not believe that if a kid grows up playing Mortal Kombat that he will go out and kill someone. People get their values from said parental units or proverbial village. That which they consume only dictates their awesomeness and personality.

My parents think they raised me. Can ya blame em? They just fall victim to that disillusioned view which most other parents believe. Little do they know that I was raised by a quintuplet of animals: 4 turtles and a rat. This 'awesome foursome,' as they called themselves, we more commonly known as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TMNT). They are one of the best things to be raised by, not to mention the coolest reptiles you know. You want to talk about an all around good group of dudes to learn from? TMNT epitomize the best aspects of life.

Lets first talk about personalities. We are going to work in order of radness, starting at the top of the spectrum. Donatello, bearer of the purple bands and the strongest Bo you have ever felt against your cranium (assuming of course that you are part of the foot clan). Don, as he is know, is the smart one. He emphasizes learning, science, math and problem solving. Next up ya got, Michelangelo, wearer of the Orange Bands and can do more with nunchakus than Ron Jeremy can do with his penis. Mike is the, self proclaimed, party dude, which, might I add, is a VERY vital part of life. Leonardo, harnesser of the blue bands and Katana blades so sharp they cut through bricks (don't believe me? Watch the intro). Leo promotes a balanced life style: one of honor and doing the right thing. Finally there is Raphael, donner of the Red band and a pair of sais that are completely useless in most situations, unless trying to jam a door. Raph loves to be a dick, and sometimes in life ya gotta be dick. He also is a tough guy (or turtle if you like) he may not have much of a weapon but he still kicks ass.

You may be wondering now...Well what about their eating habits??? Aren't most turtle's herbivores, with only a hand full being carnivorous or omnivores? Well I'm glad you asked...They have perfect eating habits. They feast primarily on pizza. That's right god's most well rounded meal. You got your fruits/veggies in the tomato sauce (go ahead argue it isn't a fruit) and in the toppings, which include but are not limited too: Peppers, Mushrooms and diced tomatoes. You got your grains in the crust...Yeah they don't eat any of that girlie thin crust stuff so they are getting their daily allotment of carbs. Finally, protein...They never just get cheese. They are all about getting pizza with tons of shit, especially meat based: Pepperoni, Sausage and anchovies.

Finally, not only do they know how to make you a good, well rounded, person and teach you how to eat properly BUT, most importantly, they teach you how to be a NINJA. If you want to be ridiculously sweet you will become a ninja. Its a proven fact...Don't believe me? Look it up! Ninjas are prolly the sweet thing there is. They scale concrete building sides like its nothing, they can run across a wall (contrary to the laws of gravity), no one ever sees them cause they are crazy stealth, and finally they know 230237404098 ways to kill you. Ninjas are THE coolest. However, if you ever happen upon one in public (or private for that matter) don't bother running most can telepathically teleport themselves.

So now, next time some one asks you how you were raised you better have a better response than parents or else a ninja will end you.

Cancerchu...I choose you!!!

So some really smart dudes got together for a dudes night out. They all put on these SMOKIN hot white coats, slacks and nice dress shoes (except the guy who put on penny loafers, he was sent home to think about what he had done). Before they could start their fun...they had one last obligatory action, getting a cooler full of cold ones. The dudes then went to town. They decided they would go straight to the 'lab'.

While there all the cold blood that was in their cooler was examined. Eventually they discovered a new oncogene in cancer strains. The gene happens to be necessary for cancer to turn normal cells into, well, cancerous ones. So what, you might ask, is this little gene called? Well it technically is POK Erythroid Myeloid Ontogenic factor (Which I'm sure means a lot to you). Its nickname, or what I think is its pronounceable name, is the Pokemon Gene. I bet you can figure out how it got that name.

Real? Yes. Coincidence? Perhaps. Ironic? Nope. I believe this is gods way of telling us something. That cute little yellow guy is bad for you and will kill you. Yes, if we (as a race) keep watching Pikachu and Squirtle, they will eventually into our blood stream and attack all of our awesomely healthy cells. They will probably start by trying to lightning those cells. I must hand it to pikachu, I mean lightning is a pretty cool ability to have. Although Pikachu does have a cool little trick to kill of our cells, he totally ripped the idea off.

Right now, if I were Raiden, I'd be pretty pissed off. If I saw some little yellow shit try to take the ability I coined and claim it for himself, please believe their would be some hell to pay. I would evince him that if he doesn't cut the crap and lose the whole lightning thing, that there will be a seriatim of painful acts commin his way.

Actually, that sounds kinda fun...I wouldn't mind kicking a little yellow guy right now...think about how far he would fly. The Cheat would be perfect for this. Kicking the cheat would definitely slake my thirst for kicking a little yellow guy. But ya know, there is already someone to do that, so I guess I'll have to just find something else to do. Crap.

Victor in Viktor vs. Viktor

Ukrainians went to the polls in November to cast their ballots in a presidential run-off between would-be reformer Viktor Yushchenko (a favorite in western Europe) and current prime minister Viktor Yanukovich (a favorite in Moscow). At stake: the future of the biggest nation between the EU and Russia. According to the official tally, Prime Minister Yanukovich has won. BUT WAIT...THERES MORE!!! But many Ukrainians, and some international election observers, are now claiming the run-off was rigged.

You might be asking your self...How was it rigged? Well now that's an excellent question, Yushchenko was poisoned 2 months previous, boy does that suck for him. Fortunately ALL was righted when they revoted in December and Yushchenko arose victor.

Random acts of poisoning? Bad bad bad form...Everyone knows if you want to rig something you don't 'accidentally' poison your opponent before the election. That just screams guilty. Granted they (whoever poisoned Viktor) were discrete about it, but their plots were foiled. I mean when was the last time you heard about a REALLY good poisoning? My vote goes to Rasputin. I mean you wanna talk about a good poisoning, Rasputin got it pretty badly. He suffered through poison, a few gun shots and a few beatings.


Comming back to reality, there are much worse ways to die. I mean I don't know that I'd much enjoy the whole skinning trend in modern executions. Also, I bet you'd be hard pressed to find someone who has the testicular fortitude to request that their head be sawed off, like a common branch, instead off placed in a guillotine.

So the next time you get food poisoning, quit yer bitchin'...it could be worse

What does it take to be number 1?

GET IT GET IT...WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO BE NUMBER 1...Like number one as in best or number one as in the first to come in a series...HOW DO YOU TAKE IT?!?!? Am I being pompous or just asking why this for the first??!?!? Who knows...Anyway

Yes as you might realize the title of my first post is a line by one of history's worst musical (if you chose to call him musical) acts of all time...Nelly (yes, that description of him was stated with such greats as Styx and Cindy Lauper in mind). Unfortunately for me, he made a half way decent song that actually can be taken out of context and used as a very motivational statement. Too bad he didn't intend it to help out other, but rather, to brag about his self proclaimed greatness (or in my opinion lack there of); But I needn't digress on a rant about someone I don't like.

The point of this initial post is pretty much set the stage for the terror that is to ensue through out this blog, journal, opinion page...Whatever you want to call it.

For starters, I enjoy the daily newspaper. In fact, I happen to believe it can be a very valuable source of information as to what is going on in the world. However, I do not like how the current media delivers the news. In any article they will tell you what, where, when and if you are lucky how...Which is cool...I guess if you only like four of the sides of a pentagon. Whatever happened to the why and, although not placed in the 5 w's of media, possibly the more important HOW?

I mean all things considered this will not be just some idiots rant on news and the like. I will probably throw in a few solid notes on what I happen to like at the current time (note: more often than that they will stem from a video game). I will being taking you on paths through my own eldritch psyche to create these posts, so just bear with me.

And so I toast to the opening of my first post.....